


and I cough up my lungs (but I leave in my heart)

by grumpyhedgehogs



Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series), Fantasy High
Genre: A little, Aelwen is spelled Aelwyn, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Buddy Breathing, Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Ficlet, Gen, Hurt Some Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Manipulation, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Protective Siblings, Sibling Rivalry, Siblings, Spoilers, What-If, i will die on this hill, no beta we die like gorgug and kristen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:55:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26872534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grumpyhedgehogs/pseuds/grumpyhedgehogs
Summary: Adaine rolls a nat one on her panic attack check after Aelwyn hits her with Tasha’s Hideous Laughter in episode one.
Relationships: Adaine Abernant & Aelwen Abernant
Comments: 5
Kudos: 76





	and I cough up my lungs (but I leave in my heart)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Organs by Of Monsters and Men.

Something changes after Aelwyn throws Adaine’s  _ Tasha’s Hideous Laughter _ back at her. Adaine doubles over, howling with mirth. Aelwyn’s lips tug up into a smug smirk. She’s about to lord it over her sister, about to talk about irony and good spellcasting and why she’s the only sister who can hold up the family name. Adaine raises her head, though, and the words die in her throat because--because Adaine is  _ crying _ . 

“A--Adaine?” She forces out through suddenly numb lips. “Sister?”

Sure, crying doesn’t amount to much since  _ Tasha’s Hideous Laughter _ is uncontrollable for a  _ reason _ . But her sister’s eyes are darting around-- _ looking for an exit, _ Aelwyn’s mind supplies--and her pupils contract to pinpoints, the white showing all the way around. There’s sweat beading on her forehead. Her hands are trembling, grasping around air. 

She’s seen her sister have panic attacks before. She’s never been the reason, though. 

“Adaine, really, this display is very gauche.” Aelwyn says, groping for levity. She drops the spell with a twitch of her fingertips, the old, familiar sting of guilt snaking up her spine. Adaine will be fine now. The spell is over. She’s fine. “I simply must ask you to stop.”

“Hah--hah--” Adaine gasps. She tries to take in a great breath as the spell fades, but her chest hitches violently and she clutches at her blazer with both hands, gagging. Her shoulders hunch up around her ears and she half turns from Aelwyn, looking ready to fall. She inhales again but can’t seem to force any air past the back of her throat; Aelwyn watches the tendons in her neck begin to stand out as she struggles. She’s trembling harder now, like a leaf in a gale of wind and Aelwyn--doesn’t know what to do. “Ah--I--”

This isn’t going to plan. She’s supposed to be convincing Adaine to steal the book from Aguefort’s restricted section. She’s supposed to be making sure she’ll take the next step on her way to being the elven oracle. Adaine isn’t supposed to be having trouble breathing. 

“I--I can’t--” Adaine forces out, just to make Aelwyn’s life all the harder. “I--can’t--breathe.”

She’s curling in on herself, shaking so hard it’s almost like she’s having a seizure, like she’s convulsing. Panic attacks aren’t usually like this, are they? Adaine usually just looks pale and upset, breathing hard but not like she’s going to hyperventilate her way to unconsciousness. Hell, their mother had sent her into a second attack right after she failed the entrance exam and she hadn’t been this bad. Exhausted and frail looking-- _ she’s so small,  _ Aelwyn thinks, and tears at herself for it--but not like _ this.  _

It must be the spell then. But Aelwyn got rid of it! This shouldn’t--this couldn’t be--but  _ Tasha’s Hideous Laughter _ , taking away Adaine’s ability to breathe after their father’s treatment  _ and _ on the first day of school? It’s enough to make even Aelwyn’s breath short. It’s no small wonder it's taken Adaine this long to snap. 

“I--” She stops. Vitriol is always easier to access these days. It has been for a long time. But Adaine is curling in on herself and, against her better judgement, abjuration magic curls at Aelwyn’s fingertips. Instinctively she glances around, searching for something, anything, some outside danger she can hex into oblivion to get rid of this feeling. She has to make this better.

_ You did this, you did this to her _ , whispers Aelwyn’s mind. She snarls and steps forward. When she raises her hands, Adaine flinches slightly and Aelwyn’s stomach drops to the soles of her feet. Why--

She’s never seen their parents strike her sister. She’s made herself watch what they  _ have  _ done to her, guilt not letting her turn away. It’s all the penance she can offer--but she’s never seen anything physical. She would know.  _ She would know. _

She tells herself it’s just the fear that comes with the attacks and slows her approach. 

“Adaine? Adaine, It’s me. It’s your sister, Aelwyn. You’re having a panic attack.” The words feel clunky, too heavy and strange on her tongue.  _ She  _ knows  _ she’s having a panic attack, you dolt. Obvious, much? _ “You’re having a panic attack, okay? But it’s okay, you’re alright. You--”

You’re the elven oracle, you’re the strongest wizard I know, you’re going to save the world some day, I can tell. You’re my sister and I never saved you when I should have and now I’m going to throw everything we ever could have had away because Mother and Father say I have to. I learned abjuration magic for you. I love you. 

“You’re alright.” She finishes lamely. “I’m--I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.” Not yet. Her stomach curdles, acid rising in her throat. She swallows it down. 

Adaine gasps again, but she’s not curled so tightly into herself anymore. Her chest heaves as she raises her head, wide eyes searching Aelwyn’s face. She struggles not to smooth her expression on reflex. It’s a weird feeling to let her worry crease her brow naturally. “Wh--what?”

“I’m right here,” Aelwyn repeats. She feels stupid and bumbling and useless. She raises her hands just a hair. “I’m going to touch you now. I--I should guide your breathing. It will help the attack pass. You can follow me.”

Adaine is still skittish, looking ready to bolt at the first wrong move. Aelwyn telegraphs her movements as much as she can and manages to lay one hand lightly on her sister’s shoulder. She guides her sister’s hand to her own chest and lays it over her heartbeat. She mirrors this with her other hand, feels Adaine’s heartbeat fluttering wildly under her palm. Aelwyn suppresses a wince. She hopes her own heart is holding steady. It doesn’t feel like it. “Listen. You need to breathe normally, Adaine. I heard those videos you looked up--you’ve got breathing exercises, yes?”

Even if she doesn’t know any, Aelwyn does. Aelwyn spent four hours looking them up after Adaine’s first panic attack. She’s had them memorized for years. 

Adaine nods jerkily and Aelwyn makes herself nod back. Her mouth is filled with cotton. Her ears are ringing. She takes a deep, deep breath, exaggerates as much as she can, and begins to count. In for four. Hold for seven. Out for eight. After a few moments, it starts to calm even her, and Aelwyn’s eyes become half-lidded. The process is hypnotic and she breathes deliberately rhythmically, trying to push her calm into her sister through touch contact alone. Is there magic for situations like this? She’ll have to learn it if there is.

“Come along now, sister,” she murmurs on her fourth exhale. “Come along.”

Adaine’s ribs aren’t hitching anymore by the sixth exhale. By the eighth, her shoulders are relaxing. By the ninth, her pupils have expanded again and she’s not clutching at her blazer’s collar like it’s choking her. By the tenth round, she pulls away.

The sense of loss Aelwyn feels is idiotic, and so she chooses to ignore it.

“Thanks,” her sister whispers. Aelwyn feels her walls crumble just a bit more and has to bite her lip against the rush of emotions it brings. “Even--I mean, you're the reason it started but. You didn’t mean to, so. Thanks.”

At least Adaine feels as awkward as she does. Aelwyn nods stiffly and adjusts her own uniform. Her pride is in tatters but she clings to the scraps. She has work to get done. A sister to manipulate. A dragon to trick. Parents to impress.

Adaine turns her face away and Aelwyn knows she’s trying to wipe her tears away surreptitiously. She sees anyway. There’s a lump in her throat. Even as she lets the words flow from her mouth, as she draws Adaine into the web Goldenhoard and their parents have weaved around her all summer, Aelwyn feels the phantom beat of her sister’s heart under her fingers. She mentions the book and almost tells Adaine to keep it for herself. As Adaine turns her back and marches away, something broken and cold and long dead in Aelwyn’s chest perks its head up and watches her sister leave with--dare she say it--some warm protective feeling growing inside.

  
_ Something _ changes when Aelwyn redirects her sister’s spell back at her. She doesn't know exactly what yet.


End file.
